If, in your bones, you believe in God — always have because it’s wired into you, always will for the same reason — then you’re in relationship with God, whether you want to be or not. If you and God relate to the same cosmos, then you and God are in relationship.
I said, I believe in You in my bones.
You and I are in relationship, we have to be, because without You was nothing made that was made, even if You have abandoned it. At the very least, I live in relation to Your handiwork, even if You are disporting Yourself elsewhere.
Young women sometimes want to think about God a lot. They want more time and freedom to pursue their knowledge of God.
I said, I wanted to be with You.
And then, maybe they have a love of prayer, singing, quietude, and simplicity, and they want to find work that is responsible and loving. They want the company of other people who love those things. They want to worship.
They want to pursue these things all day, every day, and not jam them into randomly occurring voids mixed into a career or even family life.
I wanted those things, and my fellow live-in was the same, exactly the same, but in the terms of her life. We talked about what called to us – everything, not just the thought of monastic life. We both vibrated like open strings during that long week.
We asked the novice mistress what she thought happened to the lives of women who refused a calling that they really did have to monastic life. She replied that she couldn’t know for sure, but it might be that they never fully connected to the source of encouragement, and power, and focus, that was intended for them.
We asked if she was happy. “Happy?” she asked. She was a fire cracker; her grin lit up the room. “Wellllll, I’m not sure happy is the right word. The goal of this life is not to be perpetually happy, and we have our share of struggles. But this is the right context for my life, where I have the focus, and community, and meaning that ground me.”
I never thought marriage and family were for me, although I sometimes wondered if I might be surprised, as isolates sometimes are. That did not happen. Good thing I have always been hung up on You. Good thing I have never felt the pain of passionately wanting marriage and children and not being able to have them. I’ve felt lonely, but I haven’t struggled with that kind of grief.
But You. I don’t understand You.
September 16, 2020 COVID-19 Infections and Deaths