Yesterday I had a hard deadline and was able to focus all day. I met that goal and today I can barely keep my head from floating away.

Our software engineers are in India, where life is nine and a half hours ahead of life in Massachusetts, and eleven and a half hours ahead of life in Denver, where my manager lives. We have project meetings at 7:00 a.m. sharp Eastern Standard Time, which means our Indian team members are starting to slow down at least a little as they move into late afternoon, while I am sucking down coffee and brushing my hair, and my manager is somehow propping her eyelids open a couple hours before sunrise. Because she comes to those meetings, and she also works into the evenings, her time.

I get emails from India that were sent at 11 PM, their time. On Tuesday I worked until 11 PM, my time, because I felt that I had wasted the day and had to make a better showing. I had wasted it, lost in imaginary conversations with people I can’t talk to any more, about situations that have changed until they are no longer recognizable. I prefer that world. The one that’s gone. I can’t concentrate on this one; at least, I can’t until shame and, better yet, a tight deadline, calm me. Yes, they calm me.

October 7, 2020 COVID-19 Infections and Deaths

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